Our Journey to Parenthood

It seems like the more blogs I read, the more people I find who want to be mommies, or who are dealing with miscarriages. I felt like maybe it was time to share my story. For those of you who are not interested, or have never been through infertility and miscarriage, well, you don't have to read it! I probably will only leave this post on for a few weeks. It may get lengthy, so bear with me!

Our journey began when I was at the ripe old age of 20. We had been married for about 10 months when we began to try to have a family. We thought it would be so easy, you just decide when you're ready for children and then it just magically happens. Well, for some people, that's the way it is. Not for us. We had been told that it can take up to 6 months, so after that time, I began to get worried. I read every book I could get my hands on about conception and pregnancy. I learned how to make temperature charts and to take my temp every morning and to watch for the signs. I was very faithful with that for several months, when we decided to talk to my Dr. about it. My Dr. was a wonderful woman, and we became very close to her. She started to explain to us how we needed to start charting, and to do that for at least 3 months so we would know what was going on. That's when I handed over several months of detailed charts. She was very impressed, and a little shocked. :) Having already done that step, we were able to move right on to the next step. That was the beginning of a very long roller coaster ride. I tried it all, I was on Clomid for what seemed like forever, complete with the terrible hot flashes. Then they switched it to Tamoxifen, which worked a lot better for me, without the side effects. But, still no success. Then we got a little more aggressive and I went in for regular ultrasounds to "watch the follicles" and pinpoint the right time. When it was time, we would go in for an IUI (intra uterine insemination). We went through that little routine ten or eleven times, each time ending with big disappointment. Then we tried shots, no luck there either. I even went through a hysterosalpingogram to check for tubal blockage. That was no fun at all, it hurt like crazy. The results from that were unclear, but they said there was a "possibility that one tube was blocked". They couldn't tell for sure. So then we went through the sonars, drugs, and IUI's only when the sonars showed the follicles to be on the correct side. It was a very long emotional ride. Finally, on a month when we least expected it, I had a positive pregnancy test. You can only imagine the excitement in our house! We were thrilled beyond words. Our closest friends celebrated with us, but not very many people even knew about our struggles at that time. We only told two couples, who were our support group! We began to plan for our new little miracle right away. We had only known about it for one week when I began to miscarry. I was at work when it happened. I rushed myself to my Dr. After some tests, they determined that I had indeed miscarried. My Dr. came in the room crying. She hugged me and we both bawled like babies. Despair doesn't even begin to describe it. It was so hard for me not to become bitter. I fell into a terrible depression. One of my best friends was expecting, too. We were to have had our babies a month apart. She took it almost as hard as me. I honestly thought I would never get over it. We felt like we were suffering alone because not very many people knew about it. One day I received a call from one of our church ladies. She asked me in a sing songy voice if I would attend a Mother's Banquet to help serve the mothers and clean up. She said she was trying to find people who weren't mothers to wait on the guests. She was clueless, of course, but I politely declined, hung up the phone, and burst into tears.

When I went in for my post miscarriage checkup, my Dr came in and said, "I've checked into it, and your insurance will cover InVitro. You guys have been through enough." I didn't know that our insurance would pay for it. It was like a ray of hope after a long difficult time of darkness. She began to tell us how successful it is, and that it was practically in our backyard. Some people drive hundreds of miles to get to an InVitro clinic. I never had thought we would actually have to go to that level. But we began to consider it. God had given me a promise when we were dealing with all of this that is in Psalm 113:9. He had strongly witnessed to my heart that we would have children. I just didn't think that this was the way He would do it. But as we were checking into it, things just began to fall into place. We realized that this was the way God was using to fulfill His promise to us. Our insurance covered everything, the clinic was just an hours drive, we had wonderful doctors at the clinic, we had no trouble being accepted, we didn't have to wait long to get an appointment ( some people are on a "list" for months or even years), it was as if everything was effortlessly working out for us. God was giving us the "Go Ahead" sign. We told very few friends and family what we had decided to do. Some were supportive, some were not. Yes, we had some to tell us, " You just need to accept the fact that God doesn't want you to have children." And some said we were interfering with Providence, and trying to "play God". The absolutely most hurtful thing you can say to a person is that God doesn't want them to have children. What kind of God is that?! Certainly not the One I serve! God had offered me a way to become a mother and I was going to accept it.

We got started on all the meds and shots that goes along with InVitro. I was very nervous about letting David give me injections. I worked for a Dr. at that time (as a nanny). So for a while, I would have the Dr. give me my shot before I left work every evening. He was very happy to do it, but it got to be a little inconvenient, so I finally consented to let David try it. The nurse taught him how to do it, and he practiced with a needle on a thing that looked kinda like a Nerf football. He looked like he was playing darts. I was all the more nervous about it, but I needn't have worried, he did fine. But he would freeze up sometimes. We would get all ready for it, and I would wait for the poke... and wait... the suspense would kill me. It just took him a few minutes to bring himself to do it. One time he gave me the shot, it must have hit right on a nerve, because I passed out cold. I got all stiff and white. Now, those of you who know my husband can just imagine how he reacted. Yep - he Freaked. When I came to, he was slapping my face. I said, " What are you doing that for?" By this time HE was the one who was white. He thought he had killed me. Anyway, he gave me the IM shots, and I gave myself smaller injections every day with an insulin needle. We even got to be very close to the staff at our pharmacy. They were all excited for us, and kept their fingers crossed with us. Finally the day came for our ultrasound to see whether or not the drugs had worked. We were hoping for a few good healthy eggs. What they found, however, were 50. The poor sonographer had a difficult time counting them all. My Dr told me I was a cheap drunk. I had to be very careful until the surgery to remove the eggs, because my ovaries were each the size of a grapefruit. It even hurt to walk. Ordinarily, they do the implanting a few days after the "harvesting" but I was high risk for rupturing of the ovaries. So we had wait 3 more months. The healthiest embryos were frozen until the risk was gone, then we went in for the implanting. They planned to implant two healthy ones. The room had a little sliding window very much like a fast food drive through window. The Dr. taps on the window, a lab nurse opens it, and he says, "Two eggs for Fogleman." He winked at us, and then said, "over easy."

I had to stay on bed rest for the remainder of the day, then we waited for two weeks to see what the results would be. We then received the welcome news that we were to be parents at last! The first ultrasound revealed that there was only one baby. I was disappointed to know I had lost one of them, but so thankful that the other was very healthy. We had to continue with the injections until I was 12 weeks. But somehow, it was easier knowing that it was not in vain, but for a real live baby. I went through terrible "morning" sickness that lasted all day and about 5 months. But it was worth it. It was worth all the times I had to go in for IV fluids because I was dehydrated. Phenergan came to be my very best friend. I didn't really care if the baby was a boy or a girl, I just wanted it to be healthy. Well, that's exactly what we got - Jackson was a very healthy, very whopping 9 pounds 6 ounces. You've heard people say "She's all baby"? That was me. I had gained 18 lbs all together, and he was most of it! When I left the hospital, I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Jackson was born two days before my 25th birthday. Here is a picture of me and my big boy on my birthday in the hospital. Please ignore the big hair...

On our way home from the hospital, we went to the pharmacy to show the staff what they had helped us to do. They were so excited! The pharmacist was shocked that we had not named our baby Al, after him. Jackson was a wonderfully easy, happy,fat, loveable baby. We felt so blessed and happy, that 18 months later, we decided to go back to the clinic and retreive another one! Once again, I lost one of them, but ended up with another healthy boy, Carson. Only this time, we had a little peanut, at 5 lbs 10 ounces. He was like a tiny little baby doll. Come to think of it, he's still not very big! He only weighs 23 pounds at 2 1/2 years old.

It has been quite a journey! Has it been worth it? Yes a thousand times! You may wonder why we had to go through it all- I don't. It has made me a better pastor's wife for one thing. I now am more sympathetic to people who are hurting or grieving. I've been there myself. It has also made me really appreciate my children. Believe me, I don't take them for granted! God's ways are always best, even when we don't understand what He's doing. He taught me to trust Him and depend on Him for everything. And He has indeed given me the desires of my heart.